Empty

All my extended family has left to catch their planes and head back to their lives. The house feels empty, now what? What am I supposed to do? Do I just go on with family life like before or is things supposed to be different? I stand looking out my front window wondering, just wondering…. My heart just wants to go to bed and sleep, but my mind just never seems to turn off. So I do, and when I am finished doing, I do some more.

Everywhere I look I see flowers every room has bouquets of flowers. How I hate them, I didn’t want them coming home with us, I begged people to take them, but looks like my house is a funeral home. My husband doesn’t get ‘it’ when I start tossing all the bouquets, and sprays of flowers. He looks at me and keeps saying “but you like flowers, there just flowers what’s the difference”? I know I like flowers but not these ones, its bad enough that we have boxes in the entrance of Lens stuff, and all his food is still in bags in my freezer and laundry room, Do I need to deal with the over whelming perfume of death flowers. I try to please and take the sprays apart and arrange the flowers in vases, I toss ribbons that say “Uncle, Brother, Son” in the garbage and in the compost goes the big puffy white flowers and gladiolas.

I used to wonder where the tradition came from to have flowers at a funeral, it seems like such a waste of money. But after standing by Lens casket, I now know. At first I didn’t notice the smell, but the longer I stood by the casket the stronger it got. I can remember thinking at first what is that smell? Then realizing that the scent from the flowers was there to try to mask the smell of death. Let me just say it doesn’t work and I don’t think it is a smell I will ever forget.
My husband starts asking me where do I want all of Lens boxes put. I look at him, I can’t make my mind think, and again he is asking me. Finally I say, “I don’t care in the basement I guess”. I don’t want to be the wife, mom, daughter or sister, at this point it is even to much to be anyone’s friend. I don’t want to make decisions, I don’t want to think I stand by the window and watch the world.